Sunday, March 4, 2018

Inner Conflict: What Caused me to Live in Fear


Hello Everyone,

I hope you all are in the pink of your health like me.  I am so thankful to God for this beautiful life he has given and for all the many blessing in my life.  Though my life was not always beautiful; it was filled with dark moments sometimes.  Life has given different kinds of experiences so far.

I was very young (just 12) when I was sexually abused by someone known to my family.  It took me almost 6-7 years to tell anyone what I had been through.

Back then, we used to have water problems often as most of us have not had water connections except the NMC one.  One day we had lack of water at home and we needed to fill it from somewhere.  So I went to the neighbor’s house with my aunt (we have a joint family) to fill the water.  Colony’s other people were also there who had come to fill the water along with that uncle.  A man who used to live in our neighborhood and I used to refer him as an uncle.

I was waiting for my turn and he was just standing behind me with his both hands on my shoulder.  I let him keep his hands on my shoulder because I used to treat him as my uncle only.  But who knew what his intentions were!  Suddenly, he did something that was so strange to me and I was just stumped for a moment.  Then, I twitched his hands back and ran away towards my home.  Everyone was so busy in filling the water that no one has noticed what had happened.


After that incident, I lived in a constant fear.  I had to deal with different emotions that came to the surface.  I was scared about what I would do to him if I saw him again.  That uncle used to visit our home on occasions and like every other parent, my parents used to ask me to greet him.  At times, I used to manage to greet him in any way and other times I did not.  Instead, I used to neglect him and used to run away from there.

That tended to question my parents on my behaviors that “it’s rude” and it should not be done.  This was the thing that not even my family understood and it was not actually their fault, what they could have done.  They did not even know what I was facing and from what situation I was going through.

Looking back, it feels like I lost my childhood in some way.  It was the incident that impacted my life in certain ways.  As I grew older, I stopped going out alone; be it school, tuition classes, shopping, hangouts, you name it.  I used to hesitate to go alone anywhere.  I began to develop self-destructive behaviors and had low self-esteem.  At times, I used to hit my siblings and cousins too.  When a child is suffering from an abuse, this is common.  Children suffering abuse develops a range of self-destructive, maladaptive, and antisocial behaviors.  And the same has happened to me.  In fact, I became aggressive in nature since then.  When someone doesn’t understand my thoughts and words I still became aggressive at times.

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My school journey was not easy at all.  I fought with my inner battle inside all alone!  As I started my college, even though many things had changed over the years, I still had low self-esteem, fear of going out alone, etc.  And you might agree with me that “no one would like to live that way,” I too didn't want to.

I knew I had to do something about this.  I focused on keeping my fear at bay; I fought with my different emotions.  I started with small things and did hard struggle to kick those things off.  Holding in everything was such an effort so I decided to share this incident with someone and I shared this for the very first time with my sister.  As I started narrating the story to her, I burst into tears and believe me I actually felt a lot better after that, after sharing my memoir with her.


And now, I can happily say my hard work paid me off.  Over the years I have learned to love myself.  I am far more confident in who I am now.  I love being me, “Mai apni favorite hoon.”

My message to anyone out there who has experienced something similar is:  (i) just don’t keep it to yourself.  Speak up about it because speaking and talking about our experiences helps us to make sense of our feelings and (ii) never give up because scars can heal, and life can get better.  Mine has.  It may take time, but you can heal no matter what you have been through.

Don’t forget -- “You are stronger than you think!”

Stay Blessed, Be Happy...!! :-)
Preeti

36 comments:

  1. What a touching story. I am very happy you feel better now. And you are right, we should never forget that we are stronger than we think!

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  2. You are such a strong person! I admire your courage to be opened about what happened to you in order to show others that we are stronger than we think!

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  3. I;m sorry you had to go through that awful incident in your life. You deliver a strong message to others that may have endured the same. I hope they listen and speak up.

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  4. I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope it makes someone who experienced the same feel like they are not alone.

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  5. Thank you for sharing such a personal story. It's great to hear that you are able to be so strong though.

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  6. What a touching story and am so happy you freed yourself from the slavery of innner fear . Am so sorry for all you’ve been through and am happy for the strong woman you’ve become . Super proud of sharing this so that others can learn . Seeding you all my love and positivity ❤️❤️❤️

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  7. I am so sorry you had to go through something like this, thanks for sharing your story to inspire others.

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  8. Thanks for sharing,I know what it`s like to live in fear as i have suffered from panic attacks in tha past,really appreciate you sharing this.

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  9. Bless you for your openness and for getting through those hard times..that’s very brave and very strong of you...hopefully more conversations about this will inspire others to speak up and get the help they need ��

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  10. what a touching story! It's true we are all indeed so much stronger than we think!

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  11. Thank you for sharing. It is much better for the victim to be open and speak but you know it's not easy. I am happy that you are better now and not living in fear.

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  12. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. first of all it takes courage to share. Secondly I am glad you fought your fear. You are a strong person. You should feel proud of yourself.

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  13. This is such an important story to tell. Thanks for making it easier for others...

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  14. Such a touching story and thank you for sharing. There are many others who die in silence for fear of not being understood. It's great that you found a way to deal with it and the confidence to do so.

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  15. I am so sorry you went through this. I am glad you are sharing your story, because it can help others who went through the same thing.

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  16. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you inspire others that have been in your situation.

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  17. Thanks for sharing! It is important to tell our stories so that girls in the future know they are not alone!

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  18. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope your story can encourage and inspire others have gone through similar experiences.

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  19. I am so sorry that you had to endure that. Those things definitely both scar and shape us! So glad you were able to overcome!

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  20. Oh my goodness I am so sorry to hear you went through this, but thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will help so many others.

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  21. What an inspiring story! I agree with you we can share our problems and experiences to some trusted friends, sometimes we only need ears who will listen.I'm happy that you are now living life to the fullest. Time can heal, indeed. stay blessed! :)

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  22. It's not easy to share a story like this which is why I appreciate that you did. It's such a terrible thing to experience especially for a girl that young. My heart goes out to you and I applaud your for overcoming your fear and loving yourself more.

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  23. I noticed, each n every girl in this world faces similar situation once in her life...but m very glad that now, everyone is taught "good touch and bad touch". Apart from, the dare you shown to share such sensational scene of your life is very appreciable...it will definitely help to the victims to come out from their conflicts...so glad that you are playing as a role of hope to someone to come out from their trauma...

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  24. It makes me so angry that there are such sick people out there who will abuse children. It's awful that someone who should have been a family member to you took advantage of you and that it affected your childhood. I was also abused by a family member as well over a period of several years and I'm proud of you for having the strength to share your story with us. Stay strong x

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  25. Thank you for being so candid and brave to share your story. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must have felt but I am so glad to hear how strong and confident and blessed you are. No one deserves these atrocities but we all learn to carry our crosses and help others or inspire people. I am humbled reading this.

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  26. This was such a touching story thank you for being so transparent. It's a shame that you had to go through that but I'm glad that you are sharing your story for others who have the same experience.

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  27. I am so sorry you had to endure this kind of pain and suffer no one should. Glad you are stronger and can speak truthfully about this to help others.

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  28. I m proud of you Preeti
    Mujhe humesha se pata tha .. Tu bahot hi strong girl hai..
    Srry yar iss bare me kabhi pata nhi tha.. Bahot hi courage lgta hai batane me.. God bless you always ...

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  29. This is a very touching story. I am sorry you went through so much and I hope things are getting better. You are super strong and it's really brave of you to talk about it on a blog! xx corinne

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  30. This is such a touching story and very brave of you to share. xx I'm sure it will help others who have gone through a similar experience. xx

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  31. I'm sorry that you went through this experience but I'm glad you're sharing it. This is a message that anyone who is abused needs to hear.

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  32. Thank you for finding the courage to share your story. This happens all too often, and children stay silent. We need to break this cycle of abuse by letting our children know that they can tell us anything. Too often, abused children live with depression, shame and guilt which leads to addiction, suicide and continuing the cycle of abuse..

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  33. This is a really tough situation when someone known does this to you and you can't discuss about it to anyone.

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  34. Hugs to you. I don't pressure my children to greet other adults for this very reason. At least parents are aware that these situations exist these days. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

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  35. I have went through this too but by someone I didn’t know at all. I stayed over at a friends house after a party. Her mother’s friend. It has changed the way I live forever. Thanks for sharing!

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  36. Thanks for sharing your story and providing this encouragement to others.

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Inner Conflict: What Caused me to Live in Fear

Hello Everyone, I hope you all are in the pink of your health like me.  I am so thankful to God for this beautiful life he has given...