Inner Conflict: What Caused me to Live in Fear

Hello Everyone,

I hope you all are in the pink of your health like me.  I am so thankful to God for this beautiful life he has given and for all the many blessing in my life.  Though my life was not always beautiful; it was filled with dark moments sometimes.  Life has given different kinds of experiences so far. You know, some experiences don't end the day they happen. They stay with us quietly, shaping our thoughts, our fears, and sometimes even our identity. This is one of those stories.

I was very young (just 12) when I was sexually abused by someone known to my family.  It took me almost 6-7 years to tell anyone what I had been through.

Back then, we used to have water problems often as most of us have not had water connections except the NMC one.  One day we had lack of water at home and we needed to fill it from somewhere.  So I went to the neighbor’s house with my aunt (we have a joint family) to fill the water.  Colony’s other people were also there who had come to fill the water along with that uncle.  A man who used to live in our neighborhood and I used to refer him as an uncle.

I was waiting for my turn and he was just standing behind me with his both hands on my shoulder.  I let him keep his hands on my shoulder because I used to treat him as my uncle only.  But who knew what his intentions were!  Suddenly, he did something that was so strange to me and I was just stumped for a moment.  Then, I twitched his hands back and ran away towards my home.  Everyone was so busy in filling the water that no one has noticed what had happened.

After that incident, I lived in a constant fear.  I had to deal with different emotions that came to the surface.  I was scared about what I would do to him if I saw him again.  That uncle used to visit our home on occasions and like every other parent, my parents used to ask me to greet him.  At times, I used to manage to greet him in any way and other times I did not.  Instead, I used to neglect him and used to run away from there.

That tended to question my parents on my behaviors that “it’s rude” and it should not be done.  This was the thing that not even my family understood and it was not actually their fault, what they could have done.  They did not even know what I was facing and from what situation I was going through.

Looking back, it feels like I lost a part of my childhood that day.  It was the incident that impacted my life in certain ways.  As I grew older, I stopped going out alone; be it school, tuition classes, shopping, hangouts, you name it.  I used to hesitate to go alone anywhere.  I began to develop self-destructive behaviors and had low self-esteem.  At times, I used to hit my siblings and cousins too.

Looking back today, I understand that my anger, low self-esteem, and fear weren't random. They were my mind's way of coping with something I didn't yet know how to process. When a child is suffering from an abuse, this is common.  Children suffering abuse develops a range of self-destructive, maladaptive, and antisocial behaviors.  And the same has happened to me.  In fact, I became aggressive in nature since then.  When someone doesn’t understand my thoughts and words I still became aggressive at times.

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My school journey was not easy at all.  I fought with my inner battle inside all alone!  As I started my college, even though many things had changed over the years, I still had low self-esteem, fear of going out alone, etc.  And you might agree with me that “no one would like to live that way,” I too didn't want to.

I knew I had to do something about this.  I focused on keeping my fear at bay; I fought with my different emotions.  I started with small things and did hard struggle to kick those things off.  Holding in everything was such an effort so I decided to share this incident with someone and I shared this for the very first time with my sister.  As I started narrating the story to her, I burst into tears and believe me I actually felt a lot better after that, after sharing my memoir with her.

Healing doesn't erase the past. It teaches us that our past doesn't get to decide our future. And now, I can happily say my hard work paid me off.  Over the years I have learned to love myself.  I am far more confident in who I am now.  I love being me, “Mai apni favorite hoon.”

My message to anyone out there who has experienced something similar is:

• Just don’t keep it to yourself.  Speak up about it because speaking and talking about our experiences helps us to make sense of our feelings and
• Never give up because scars can heal, and life can get better.  Mine has.  It may take time, but you can heal no matter what you have been through.

Don’t forget -- “You are stronger than you think!”

Stay Blessed, Be Happy...!! :-)

Preeti

Intoxication: From Fun to Death!

Hello Everyone,

If you are reading my blog regularly, then you might know that I am a Medical Language Specialist, I work on patient’s healthcare records.  I edit a lot of files on daily basis and come across a number of files of patients who are addicted to some or other substances.  Even I know few people in person, who smokes cigarettes, drink alcohol, use cannabis and hookah and are addicted to that.  I wonder why people don’t understand that it’s something that will ruin their lives; just for the sake of temporary fun and enjoyment, they put their lives at stake.  People think that consuming substance is a pride, but I believe, " it's not a pride, it's devastation” and education plays a vital role in preventing substance abuse.  So here I come with an article on substance abuse, what are they, their effects and preventions.  So, just read on.

Substance abuse also known as drug abuse refers to the use or misuse of any substance for wrong and harmful purposes.  Tobacco and alcohol are two of such substances which are abused abundantly.  There are number of other substance, categorized as drugs, which are used for medicinal purposes.  These are cannabis (marijuana), nicotine (cigarettes, cigars, snuff, and tobacco), cocaine (crack), amphetamines, tranquilizers (sleeping pills), inhalants (aerosol, glue, paint thinner), opium, codeine, heroin, morphine, and LSD.

All the aforementioned drugs are psychoactive drugs and they are divided into four types i.e. depressants, stimulants, opiates, and hallucinogens.

* Alcohol, cannabis, nicotine, minor tranquilizers (benzodiazepines), and inhalants are examples of depressants.

* Nicotine, amphetamines, and cocaine are examples of stimulants.

* Heroin, codeine, painkillers are examples of opiates.

* LSD and cannabis are examples of hallucinogens.

Amongst these, alcohol is drunk while cannabis is smoked.  Nicotine is also smoked and inhaled while opiates are taken orally except in case of heroin which is inhaled.  The fumes of cocaine are also inhaled after burning it.  Cocaine is injected into the bloodstream for quick effects.  Inhalants, as the name goes, are inhaled, while tranquilizers and LSD are swallowed.  On the other hand, amphetamines are injected, taken orally and inhaled too.

They are prescribed by physicians and the use of such prescriptions do a lot of good when taken in limits.  Nevertheless, deliberately or in-deliberately misuse of these drugs leads to very harmful effects and in many cases leads to addiction from which it’s quite difficult to withdraw yourself.  And most of the abuses begin in-deliberately due to lack of information or negligence.

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The individuals who consume these vary between the young and the old, educated and the illiterate, the male and the female, the urban and the rural.  Of course, all of them have their own different reasons for taking such substances at the initial stages, before addiction set in.

Some people use it to relax and forget the problem, other use it to relieve the stress.  Some use it for being accepted by their peers, other use it just for the enjoyment purpose and some are induced by people around them and some take it for making a bold statement in a conservative society.  Though, there is nothing bold in doing such things.  And in some cases, self-medication also leads to such drug addictions, which is also the very common cause.

Whether you have started using drugs without thinking about any harm to your body or thinking that it won’t become a problem as you are using it occasionally, however it may still affect your health or I would say mental health.  The more you take a drug, the more your body builds up a tolerance to its same effects and this can lead to the need of taking a large number of doses to obtain the effects of the drug.  And that is what known as dependence or excessive reliance on drugs.  Drug dependence can rapidly begin to affect your physical and psychological health, and can also affect your social and work life.

Different kinds of drugs affect your body in different ways.  You may feel differently, behave differently, and think differently if you have taken drugs.  And you may make efforts to control your actions and thoughts.

Effects of Drugs Abuse:

There are short-term and long-term effects that can occur when you take substance/drugs.  The effects related to drugs can vary from person to person.

1.  Depressants:

Short-term effects:  Slow brain function, poor concentration, confusion, fatigue, dizziness, lack of coordination, disorientation, depression, slowed pulse and breathing, lowered blood pressure, slurred speech, fever, sluggishness, visual disturbances, dilated pupils, and difficulty or inability to urinate.

Long-term effects:  Depression, chronic fatigue, breathing difficulties, sleep problems and sexual problems.

2.  Stimulants:

Short-term effects:  Intense feelings of happiness, relaxation, increased energy/sociability and self-esteem, improved attention, opened breathing passages/easier breathing, increased sexual desire and performance, and suppressed appetite.

Long-term effects:  Extreme weight loss, breathing problems, headaches, gastrointestinal problems, cardiovascular damage, cerebral hemorrhage, stroke, seizure, muscle deterioration, chronic exhaustion, and reduced sexual functioning.

3.  Opiates or narcotics:

Short-term effects:  Euphoria followed by lack of concern or interest, anxiety, nausea, vomiting, itching skin, slowed thinking and movements, attention problems, memory impairments, drowsiness, slurred speech, pinpoint pupils, and coma.

Long-term effects:  Severe constipation and related gastrointestinal conditions (e.g., bowel obstruction, bowel perforation), irregular menses in women, and sexual dysfunction.  Intravenous consequences:  Abscesses, Tuberculosis, HIV or hepatitis virus contraction, infection of the heart lining, cellulitis, peripheral edema, and track lines or puncture marks.  Intranasal effects:  Nasal bleeding, irritation of nasal lining, and perforation of nasal septum.

4.  Hallucinogens:

Short-term effects:  Euphoria, sense of relaxation and well-being, confusion and difficulty concentrating, thinking or maintaining attention, anxiety, agitation, blurred vision, disorganized thoughts, dizziness, loss of coordination, increased breathing rate, increased heart rate and blood pressure, irregular heartbeat and palpitations, nausea and vomiting,  increased body temperature and sweating (may alternate with chills and shivering), paranoia and feelings of panic, numbness, hallucinations and distorted perception including visual, auditory, body, time and space.

Long-term effects:  Flashbacks weeks, months, or even years after the drug use.  Flashbacks may be pleasant or a living nightmare.  Most flashbacks last a very short time, only a minute or two, decreased motivation, prolonged depression, increased panic, impaired memory and concentration, possible severe mental disturbances, psychosis, increased delusions, bad trips may last hours, weeks, and even months.

Preventative Measures:

It is really difficult to overcome the drug addiction, but there are few things that you can do in order to prevent yourself from falling into the grips of drugs that includes:

• Balance your life and deal with its pressure.
• Build strong bonds and surround yourself with support.
• Develop hobbies that give satisfaction.
• Choose your friends carefully.
• Effectively deal with peer pressure.
• Seek help for mental illness.
• Examine the risk factors/warning signs.
• Keep a well-balanced life.
• Limit negative influences.
• Set and work toward goals.
• Learn about the consequences of drug use.
• Abstain from going to places which are associated with substance use/abuse.
• Take part in community anti-drug, tobacco and alcohol programs.

If you’re reading this because you are addicted or if you’re scared that you’re at risk of developing a substance use disorder or some other dependence/ addiction (to gambling, technology, or food, for example), following the aforementioned preventative measures will increase the feeling of self-worth and confidence and can do a lot to improve the odds and will help you to stay addiction-free.  However, if one feels a sense of addition then think it’s time to consider seeking treatment.  One must take immediate help of a family member, friend and then subsequently of a trained doctor in this area.

Stay Blessed, Be Happy..!! :-)

Preeti

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Disclaimer:  This website does not promote, recommend, or endorse drugs or related substances.  My interest is in the information about dangers coming from lack of knowledge, so this is solely for informational purpose.